A convict. Yep; that's me. No, I am not a felon; I have not broken any state or federal laws. But I am a convict all the same, guilty of not knowing my Catholic doctrine as fully as I could--ahem, as I
should.
What makes it the most terrible for me is being unable to teach doctrine to my children in a way that makes a lasting impression on them, and brings them closer to Jesus. The Lord knows I try--I operate mostly on faith and it shows every day. But the truth is that sometimes just being faithful doesn't cut it; sometimes children need some definitive answers. When one of my children asks a faith- or doctrine-related question that I cannot answer, I have heretofore just told myself, "Well, I guess he/she is just being a 'doubting Thomas' about that." But some things do have real explanations; some questions actually do have answers; and it is my responsibility as a parent to provide those explanations and answers.
The lights are dim in this room, where it should be so much brighter. Every so often (and moreso recently than ever before), there is a light in the relative darkness. I imagine it is Jesus with a flashlight, guiding me and showing me the path I am supposed to take. Sometimes, I redirect my steps immediately; sometimes it takes a little time...
One problem I have is letting the ways of the world interrupt my progress--I am a repeat offender as far as that goes. I take full responsibility for that, and am happy to say that I am getting better at dealing with this issue every day. The bigger problem I have is just not knowing where to start! One might say, "It doesn't matter where you start; just start
somewhere!" I know; I know. But that doesn't make it any easier for me!! What happens is that I DO start somewhere, but then get overwhelmed and can't figure out which tangent to follow; so I end up abandoning my efforts...sigh.
I seriously believe a little discipleship is in order. My cousin says that my Grandmother would roll over in her grave to hear me say this because "it sounds like a Protestant idea, only for those praise-and-worship people." But it doesn't have to be a "Protestant idea" alone. There is no real cause to separate Catholics from Protestants based on how we manifest our love of Jesus and zeal for Christian living--Catholics should (in my opinion) choose to engage in their faith in a way that is just as open and fervent as those "praise-and-worship people," at least sometimes! That said, I turn back to myself and am convicted in my own heart of not doing this. I sing loudly and proudly at Mass, and encourage the same in my children--singing is praying twice, they say--but that is the extent. I need to do more; I need to show more; I need to serve more. I need to do it for my children.
I realize now that all of my efforts to find good Catholic educational resources for my children should really have been divided, so that I could have also found those things for myself! Then I wouldn't have to rely completely on someone else to teach my children the doctrine of the church! I am now in search of some good resources (Apologetics?) that are not too intimidating for me to study, and that actually help me to teach my children church doctrine along with showing them how to live faithfully. Though I am raising good
Christian children, I need to refocus in order to raise good
Catholic children. It would be wonderful if I could find someone to disciple me personally along the way--someone who is on fire about their faith and actually knows what they're talking about, too; someone who exemplifies Catholic living outside of religious life; someone who can be a role model for me to watch while also actively teaching me and praying with me. Hopefully along the way, I will be afforded the light of God's grace in such abundance that the dimness will turn to brightness, and will shine for me and my children. Then I will be a convict no more!!
Other notes...
Today's online devotion was a really good one...
http://www.loyolapress.com/assets/Bookcovers/91025_the-lord-is-with-you.swf
And I am compelled to watch my Catholic friend Peggy's reversion story again and again on "The Journey Home" (EWTN Global Catholic Network)...
http://www.youtube.com/EWTN#p/search/0/0Rp94E6dwnM